Motherhood is a life-altering experience, full of profound change and emotional growth. While it brings joy, connection and new beginnings, it also stirs up questions about identity, self-worth and the relationships that once defined us. As your world shifts to revolve around your baby, it is natural to feel disconnected from the parts of yourself that once felt central. However, this change does not have to mean loss. It can be an invitation to reconnect with who you are and redefine your personal values.

It is one of the most reported and least discussed parts of the first 1000 days.

Why Your Relationships Change After a Baby

The arrival of your baby often reshapes the dynamics of your relationships. Time feels limited, your energy is stretched, and the focus shifts to the baby. In your relationship with your partner, communication might become more about logistics than connection. With friends, especially those without children, you might feel a growing distance. Meanwhile, whānau might have their own ideas about parenting styles, potentially leading to tension.

Some of this is simply exhaustion doing some of the work, it is very hard to be generous with anyone when you have not slept properly in four months.

These changes are part of the journey, but they do not have to result in disconnection. By making space for open conversations, expressing how you feel, and asking for help when you need it, you can keep those bonds strong. Relationships might look different now, but they can evolve into deeper, more meaningful connections. Grieving these changes is okay. It is part of the healing. You may even find that new connections grow from this season, such as deeper friendships with other parents or unexpected sources of support from people who truly understand.

Voices From The Village:

“I thought my partner and I were drifting until we carved out time once a week just to talk, not about the baby but about us.” – Nadine, Auckland

“I reconnected with an old friend over WhatsApp. She lives in another country, but checking in weekly keeps us both grounded.” – Ella, Napier

Losing Yourself After Motherhood: What Matrescence Actually Is

There is a word for this, and almost nobody is told it: matrescence. It was coined by the anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and it describes the transition into motherhood as a developmental stage in its own right (physical, hormonal, psychological and social) in the same way adolescence is a stage.

The comparison is more useful than it sounds. Nobody expects a teenager to be finished, settled or recognisable to themselves. We expect adolescence to be disorienting and we give it years. Matrescence is a comparable upheaval, compressed into a much shorter time, and generally handled with far less patience, including from ourselves.

Knowing there is a word for it changes something. You are not failing to ‘bounce back’, you are simply going through a documented developmental transition that happens to have been given almost no cultural airtime. It overlaps heavily with the fourth trimester, though it runs a good deal longer than twelve weeks.

It also helps enormously to hear another mum describe it in her own words, which is most of what happens in the Real Talk space inside The Village NZ Hub.

Motherhood becomes a significant part of your identity, but it is not all that you are. In the early days, it is easy to feel consumed by your role as a mother. Routines, conversations and even your sense of achievement may revolve entirely around your baby.

Reconnecting with the things that bring you joy outside of parenting is essential. Whether it is a creative hobby, your career, exercise, or simply enjoying a coffee on your own, these moments are not selfish. They are vital. They remind you that your identity is multifaceted, evolving and uniquely your own.

Consider writing down a list of the things that make you feel like you. Keep it somewhere visible and revisit it when you feel disconnected. Even dedicating just a few minutes a day to something that reaffirms your sense of self can make a world of difference. There is a short set of questions to start that list with in the toolkit further down this page.

Rediscovering Yourself Again and Again

Your sense of identity may shift in waves: during your baby’s first steps, the return to work, the arrival of a second child, or when school begins. Each phase invites reflection and fresh growth.

You might notice that as your children gain independence, space opens up for parts of yourself that were paused. Or you may evolve into new interests and values that were not there before. Identity is not a single story. It is a living narrative that adapts and strengthens.

Some of that is practical, too: eating properly again, sleeping in longer stretches, and having ten minutes that belong to you all make the psychological work considerably easier.

Mum Guilt: Why It Shows Up and What Helps

Mum guilt is real, and it often creeps in at unexpected moments. You might feel guilty for desiring time for yourself, for not doing things perfectly, or for struggling with aspects of parenting that others seem to handle effortlessly.

It is important to recognise that caring for yourself and nurturing your identity does not make you any less of a dedicated parent. In fact, showing your child that you value yourself and your relationships sets a powerful example. Your worth is not measured by what you give up but by how you care for yourself and others with love and honesty.

Try acknowledging the voice of guilt without letting it take over. Ask yourself: Would I say this to a friend? Would I expect them to be perfect? Often, the standards we hold ourselves to are harsher than the ones we apply to others. Practice kindness toward yourself. You deserve the same grace and encouragement that you freely offer to others.

Expert insight: New mothers are met with conflicting expectations about how they should feel and parent. A Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Aotearoa resource by Dr Carrie Cornsweet Barber of the University of Waikato explains how falling short of those ideals feeds guilt and shame. The Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand’s postnatal depression pamphlet tells new parents that looking after your own wellbeing is important too. Self-care is protective, not indulgent.

You are not the only one asking this

“Where did I go?” is one of the most common things mums say inside The Village NZ Hub, and one of the least common things they say out loud anywhere else.

There is free Perinatal Mental Health Support in there too, for when the question stops being philosophical and starts being heavy. No referral, no cost, camera optional.

See the Perinatal Mental Health Support →

Communicating Your Needs With Clarity and Confidence

In the whirlwind of parenting, it can be easy to assume that others should just know what you need. But clear communication is a skill worth developing. Whether it is asking your partner for more support, letting a friend know you are feeling isolated, or setting boundaries with family members, speaking up is crucial.

Start small. Be honest, kind and direct. Use I statements to express how you feel and what you need. While it may feel awkward at first, if you are used to prioritising others, these conversations will strengthen your connections over time, and if you are short of people to ask, our guide to building a village you can lean on is a practical starting point.

Examples To Try

  • “I feel overwhelmed. Could you plan dinner for the week please?”
  • “I’d love company this afternoon. Want to come by for a cuppa?”
  • “I’m finding bedtime tough. Can you take over a few nights a week?”

When It’s More Than Adjustment

Feeling unlike yourself is part of matrescence. Feeling nothing at all is different, and worth mentioning to someone.

If the disconnection extends to your baby, or you feel flat and numb rather than unsettled, or you have stopped being able to picture enjoying anything again, that is more likely to be postnatal depression or anxiety than an identity shift, and it is common, and it responds well to treatment. The two can look similar from the inside, which is exactly why it is worth asking someone rather than deciding on your own.

Talk to your GP, midwife or Well Child nurse. PlunketLine is free 24/7 on 0800 933 922, and 1737 is free to call or text if you would rather start with a stranger.

Your Motherhood Identity Toolkit

Here are a few small tools to help you reconnect.

Grounding questions

  • What is one thing I did today that felt like me?
  • What brings me energy lately, and when did I last have any of it?
  • What is one thing I can say no to?

Answer them on your phone or on the back of an envelope. There is no right answer and no need to do it daily, once a week, on a bad day, is plenty.

Five-minute rituals:

  • A hot cup of tea alone
  • Writing a quick journal entry
  • Stepping outside and breathing deeply

Affirmations to try:

  • I am more than one role
  • Change is part of growth
  • I can nurture others and still honour myself

Print these out. Put them on your mirror or bedside. Let them remind you: you are still in here.

What the Research Says About Identity and Connection

  • A study of how motherhood changes identity, published in the journal Identity, found that women described losing themselves for a time while their sense of self re-formed, then a self that had expanded rather than disappeared.
  • Mothers interviewed for a study of peer support in pregnancy and early parenthood described feeling more connected, heard, confident and valued.
  • The Harvard Center on the Developing Child notes that children do best when the adults caring for them are supported and not overloaded by stress themselves.

The takeaway? Reclaiming your identity is not just good for you. It strengthens your whānau too.

Looking After Yourself As Your Children Grow

The early months of motherhood often feel all-consuming, but as time passes, new opportunities arise to deepen your connection with yourself. As your baby becomes a toddler and your toddler begins exploring the world more independently, there are more chances to reintroduce parts of your identity and even create new ones.

Many mothers find that starting a side project, pursuing study, or engaging in regular exercise or creative hobbies becomes more achievable over time. You do not need to wait for a perfect moment. Just one small window can reignite something powerful in you.

Even brief routines like monthly catch-ups with a friend, solo coffee dates, or setting aside time to revisit an old passion can create anchors that hold you steady through ongoing changes.

Questions About Identity and Motherhood

What is matrescence?

Matrescence is the transition into motherhood, understood as a developmental stage in its own right (physical, hormonal, psychological and social) comparable to adolescence. The term was coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael. Knowing it exists helps: it reframes feeling unlike yourself as a normal process rather than a personal failure.

Is it normal to feel like I’ve lost myself after having a baby?

Very. In research on how motherhood changes identity, women describe losing themselves for a time while their sense of self re-forms. It is one of the most commonly reported and least discussed parts of early motherhood, and for most people it shifts rather than persists.

Why has my relationship changed since having a baby?

Sleep loss, an uneven division of the mental load, and the shift from talking about each other to talking about logistics all compress a relationship quickly. It is one of the most common experiences reported by new parents and it is not a verdict on the relationship. Naming it out loud is usually the thing that starts to shift it.

How long does it take to feel like yourself again?

Most mums describe recognising themselves again somewhere between six and eighteen months, and describe the person they recognise as somewhat different. That is not loss: identity expands through motherhood rather than being replaced.

When is this more than an identity shift?

If you feel numb or flat rather than unsettled, cannot imagine enjoying anything again, or feel disconnected from your baby, that is worth raising with your GP or midwife. It may be postnatal depression, which is common and treatable. PlunketLine (0800 933 922) and 1737 are both free and available 24/7.

Keep this conversation going

If you have been wondering where you went, you are in very good company. The mums in The Village NZ Hub are asking the same question, and answering it together.

Join The Hub, free forever →